Bathed in Maroon Sunflowers

A dream.
A dream that began when I was a child.
A dream to wear the maroon 𝘚𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘺.

I knew that dream would be hard to achieve; after all, it meant reaching the pinnacle of universities. But even with all the doubts troubling my mind, I still pushed forward toward that perfect future, where I would be bathed in fully bloomed sunflowers on the University of the Philippines campus.

There were numerous times when I felt like I couldn’t reach it.

I fell over and over again, the reviewers piling up on my desk like a flash flood. With it teaching me the value of being diligent because what else could I do other than that? Throughout each night before I fell asleep, I asked myself, “Am I good enough to pass?” and the only answer that I would get would be the cold breeze of the night.

Times when I questioned my worth. Times when the expectations were too heavy for my shoulders to bear. I watched as others seemed closer to my dream than I was– it remained on the horizon of endless void, distant and unreachable.

I shook my head in rejection as I persevered, a true 𝘐𝘴𝘬𝘰𝘭𝘢𝘳 would go on despite their problems.

And maybe perseverance was studying until the only rest I got was sleep. The voice telling me to go on even though my eyes were drooping to the point of no return.

Would my younger self be proud?

I knew that they would, walking to the test center with nerves that couldn’t be calmed down was probably the highlight– yet it was one thing to remember. The test itself was hard, of course it was, I expected it anyway.

My nerves got to the point that I followed each 𝘱𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘩𝘪𝘪𝘯 I saw online, wearing red underwear, putting change into the sole of my shoes, and even kicking the chair after I was finished answering each and every question with guesses here and there.

Somehow, maybe the prayers of my younger self did work after all. That little me who once dreamt of wearing the maroon lanyard found themselves at the doorsteps of the University of the Philippines– wearing the exact same lace.

The place I had only ever imagined suddenly became real. The buildings I had seen in pictures stood before me. The paths I had dreamed of walking were beneath my feet. And somewhere among crowds, and the endless possibilities, I realized that I had finally stepped into the future that I once imagined as a young 𝘐𝘴𝘬𝘰.

Despite that, the reality is– no journey is perfect.
The sunflowers did not always bloom.

There were days when I doubted it all. Days when I wondered if I was truly meant for this. And days when I felt like this maroon lace around my neck was meant to be a reminder of how much I needed to prove to everyone who believed in my academic endeavors.

Yet, that was never the point.
It was about being someone worthy of it.

Every day, every sleepless night reviewing for classes that gave the most impossible deadlines, and every small win– they were all threads that weave into a dream. These experiences shaped me into a true 𝘐𝘴𝘬𝘰𝘭𝘢𝘳 𝘯𝘨 𝘉𝘢𝘺𝘢𝘯, with love and honor.

One day, the world will set its sight on me weaving my own future with the Sablay that I dreamt of along with the fully-bloomed sunflowers.

When that day comes, I know I will think of the child who started this dream.

The child who was afraid.
The child who doubted.
The child who dreamed anyway.

And perhaps, beneath the warmth of the sun and the shade of the sunflowers, I will finally tell them:

“We made it! I'm an 𝘐𝘴𝘬𝘰!”